The Perfect Esrog Trap: Why Perfectionism in Shidduchim Is a Diagnosis

Many singles and parents are looking not for a spouse, but for a winning deal. They forget that the Torah compares the search for a partner not to acquiring a flawless product, but to finding a lost object.

The lesson of the Chofetz Chaim

An esrog is not a model for all of life. Before Sukkos, one may search for an especially beautiful esrog. But when the chag is at the door, one is grateful for a kosher esrog. So too in shidduchim: one cannot wait for an angel and reject a living, worthy person.

The Rebbe on the illusion of perfection

Absolute perfection does not exist. The Rebbe wrote that it is literally impossible to find something absolutely ideal, and when the essentials are right, the smaller details often should not dominate.

The Steipler on the real problem

Sometimes the issue is not standards, but fear. The Steipler said directly to young men who rejected option after option that they were not choosing among thousands, but fearing responsibility and losing Hashem’s gift.

Practical takeaway. Caution and checking are necessary. But if a person seeks someone without flaws, he is not seeking a human being, but a fantasy.