The Perfect Esrog Trap: How Perfectionism Kills Your Mazal

Some people in shidduchim are not looking for a spouse, but for a flawless find, as if one could receive perfection, full certainty, and zero risk at once. In reality, this attitude often damages a person’s own mazal.

What did the sages teach?

The perfect esrog is not a model for life. The Chofetz Chaim explained that before Sukkos one may search for a beautiful esrog, but when time is short, one is grateful for a kosher one. So too in shidduchim: one cannot wait forever for an angel.

The Rebbe’s words. The Rebbe wrote that in shidduchim it is literally impossible to find something absolutely perfect, and impossible to calculate in advance how everything will unfold to the end.

Fear disguised as refinement. The Steipler spoke sharply to young men who could not decide: often a person is not truly choosing among thousands, but simply afraid to take responsibility.

What destroys the process?

Endless comparisons. A person stops seeing the real candidate and compares them to fantasy.

An inability to receive goodness with gratitude. When one is always searching for “better,” one may fail to recognize a genuine gift.

Миф “мне нужен ещё опыт для сравнения” тоже часть ловушки. Иногда человек отклоняет хороший первый вариант не потому, что тот действительно не подходит, а потому, что боится довериться реальности и фантазирует, будто мудрость придет сама собой после длинной череды свиданий.

Practical takeaway. In shidduchim you need not an ideal, but a kosher, mature, living person with whom a home can be built. Caution is necessary. Perfectionism is not.