Marriage Is Not a Project to Change Your Partner
Why a shidduch cannot be built on the hope of fixing someone
One of the most dangerous illusions in shidduchim sounds like this: “After marriage, the person will change.” A marriage decision cannot be built on that assumption.
The Lubavitcher Rebbe emphasized that influencing another person and choosing a spouse are not the same thing. Even if a person is capable of growth, one should not enter marriage with the expectation of reshaping them.
Why is this dangerous?
Resistance appears. Constant pressure destroys closeness.
Promises are not the same as readiness. A person may agree in words, while not having the inner resources for real change.
Respect fades. When a relationship is built on correction, it leaves little room for peace and acceptance.
Softness and the ability to yield matter more than rigid correctness without warmth. In the world of gedolim, people often stressed that stubbornness and inability to forgive can destroy even a match that looks “ideologically correct.”
A healthy shidduch is built not on fantasy about a future version of a person, but on respect for who they are now.
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