Parallel Dating: Why “Saving Time” Is Self-Deception
Why trying to date two candidates at once weakens attention, clarity, and trust
Sometimes singles and parents imagine that parallel dating is simply an efficient way to save time. In practice, however, that tactic usually destroys the very inward focus without which no clean shidduch decision can be made.
Why does it work so poorly?
A person stops being a person and becomes an option. When two possibilities are being managed in the mind at once, candidates begin to be compared not by substance but by surface impressions and convenience.
The illusion of abundant choice cools the heart. Instead of honestly exploring one path, a person enters a marketplace of impressions and becomes more critical, less grateful, and more superficial.
It damages trust. Even where one does not identify a formal prohibition, once such behavior becomes known it can easily damage reputation and the seriousness of the process.
What did the Rebbe stress?
Dates are not a game. A person should enter dating seriously, not as a social experiment, but as a sincere attempt to complete a shidduch if it proves fitting.
What should the shadchan do?
Do not let people keep others on the shelf. A shadchan should train both sides toward prompt feedback so that one person is not left suspended while the other “looks around.”
Practical takeaway. Shidduchim require concentration and honesty. When a person gives one candidate exclusive attention even for a limited stage, the decision becomes cleaner and the heart more truthful.
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